Warning: This post is a piece of potentially over-indulgent navel gazing. If that sort of thing annoys you, skip it and stay tuned for the upcoming much more audience-friendly drawing.
As you may have noticed, I've been in a bit of a funk lately. I can best sum up the anxiety that I've been feeling as the product of a general disequilibrium in my life. This unbalanced state is also a condition that plagues the macro-organism within which I currently function, or at least am supposed to.
What I'm trying to say is, I don't think I'm alone in the unsettled feeling. In fact, I'm pretty sure the same maladjusted orientation is rippling through the general population as the tidal wave of societal dysfunction builds.
Getting back to the problem with me though, and I know that's why you're here, I can broadly attribute my failings to an imbalance in the way I approach relationships. I've always been a very selfless person, and contrary to conventional wisdom that's not really a good thing.
I do have a very strong sense of self, don't get me wrong, but I lack the ability to effectively communicate who I am to those around me. I'm also terrible at gauging how others perceive me, and that causes an awkward over-emphasis on making sure they like me. This leads to one-sided relationships where I try to do too much and ask nothing in return.
I had a conversation last night with a friend of mine about fate and chance. She tried to convince me that everything in our lives, including the connections we make with others, happens for a reason. It's something I've heard often, but I've always had difficulty embracing it. Chaos theory makes much more sense to me.
I do believe we're attracted to certain people for specific reasons, whether it be the inclinations established through our early-life relationships or something hard-wired into our DNA. Not all of these patterns are positive, however, and sometimes the "meaning" we take away from them is a lesson in our own self-destructive tendencies.
The universe and its grand interplay of matter and energy is, after all, essentially indifferent to our individual comings and goings. If the path we embark on is to be purposeful, it's up to us to chart the course. It can't be left to some vague sense that a god, angel, or guiding spirit is shepherding us along the way.
Bringing this full circle, the point is that I need to be a bit more self-aware and self-centered or the repeated missteps will take me too far down the wrong road. It's not that I'm going to stop caring for others. It's that I need to take care of myself first in order to continue to do so. I may seem more self-absorbed, less accessible, and overly inward-focused but right now that's the only way forward toward balance.
12 comments:
Nothing likea bit of good old over-indulgent navel gazing to unblock the creative channels, I've always found. I'm with you, though: think chaos theory makes much better sense.
Hi Francis,
A life well lived is a life lived for others. Cheers.
interesting in some ways we are similar and I to wonder if being slightly more self centered is such a bad thing..I think we have traveled some of the same roads
Hey Francis - If you haven't read The Celestine Prophecy, I suggest you get hold of a copy at once.
@Dave I think I'm discovering it has two benefits: clearing the channels and forcing me to write something each day, even if it is a bit of drivel. I'm trying my best to harness the chaos :).
@Jena Generally agreed, but you have to be secure in self to truly help others.
@Confused I'd really like to organize a get-together somewhere for all the folks in our little community of bloggers, as I think we probably share a lot in common. I'm not sure yet how we could pull that off though, as we seem to be scattered geographically.
@Jakill I have read it ... twice in fact :). It was given to me by someone who tried to teach me about purpose, but she fell away from my life before the lesson really took hold.
Oops ... correction: I was thinking of The Alchemist. I only saw the film version of the Celestine Prophecy.
Hey Francis
If the path we embark on is to be purposeful, it's up to us to chart the course. It can't be left to some vague sense that a god, angel, or guiding spirit is shepherding us along the way.
In essence then, I read from this statement you are telling billions of people they are wrong in their belief system. For me, it is nonsensical to think that a person cannot have conviction in a higher power, if by this belief we mean "placing trust or confidence in another." It is simply a part of our human nature and occurs without our intending it. This conviction gives purpose to our plans, focus to our intentions, and direction to our actions.
So my friend, I would have to disagree with you on this statement of yours. Yes, it is up to us to consciously decide in our actions, but to say that we are to ignore our own personal beliefs and blindly stumble along in life just doesn't cut it for me. Our faith in whatever higher power that we believe guides us in our choices, and helps us deal with the many curve balls life throws at us. If we chose not to acknowledge that nagging inner voice or wrongly plow ahead in a bad decision that; if given enough reflection we would know is bad; how can we say that our lives are based on chaos and that somewhere some higher power or ultimate truth is not out there to tap into and help in our life decisions? A faith in something greater than ourselves gives us comfort and yes courage to radically take the step to change and move forward in our lives. And it gives us hope and the ability to face the truth and consequences of our actions or inactions. To quote Mohandas Gandhi "But for me, truth is the sovereign principle, which includes numerous other principles. This truth is not only truthfulness in word, but truthfulness in thought also, and not only the relative truth of our conception, but the Absolute Truth, the Eternal Principle, that is God.
And of course, to quote the following text out of the bible,"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8)
In time you will sort yourself out, make decisions that will impact your life. Do things happen for a reason? Maybe. In some ways your chaos theory may come into play. However, its the conscious decisions we make, whether we listen to that vague inner voice you call God, or whether you don't, that determines the why's and how for's in life.
Anyways, I've rambled enough, and besides, I'm man enough to bring my thoughts on this directly to your attention and not simply agreeing with you. I know you may not agree with me, as I am sure others don't, but that's irrelevant isn't it? Would I agree with you simply to let you know I stopped by and put in my token comment so you could tip toe over to my blog and do the same? No. I took the time to read your post and to comment on it. That's all I can do my friend. And it's the "over-indulgent navel gazing" that helps us define who we are.
Take care Francis.
~JD
JD,
I think there's more common ground between what we believe than you imagine, I just don't know how well it can be explored through the medium of blog comments. It would take a long conversation over the drink of your choice, and I'm happy to arrange that meeting any time.
I do appreciate honesty and being challenged, without it I'd never be taken to task for the foolish things I often say and wouldn't ever learn from my mistakes.
What I believe in, as far as a higher power, is too complicated for me to put down in words. I think a separate piece of the truth somehow lies within each of us, and we'll only get to the whole picture by coming together and sharing our perspectives.
That's why it bothers me so much when people proselytize for one particular book or view. I appreciate that you quoted both the Bible and Ghandi. I recognize that what I said was provocative and went too far, but it was the mood I found myself in at the time.
My main point, obviously not well expressed, was that blindness will lead us down wayward paths. That can be a blind following of religious faith or a blind exclusive reliance on self.
I'm sure that reality is a balance between chaos and order. Nature has an amazing way of self-organizing, and I don't know what to attribute that power to. The balance I'm seeking is obviously hidden somewhere in the understanding of those two contradictions.
Francis
Ok...a good Cabernet Sauvignon and a thick juicy steak. That and a lively discussion on this subject could very well set the mood for a great and lively discussion. :-)
After reading my response I realized I may have come across as being provoked. However, I assure you my friend I was far from such. I just seized on the opportunity to practice my own form of "over-indulgent navel gazing" :-)in responding to your post. I think I was more bothered by the relative lack of in depth commenting by the others that visit and the seemingly benign handling of your post with kid gloves and blandish remarks. Oh well...that's just me.
Great response BTW. We could go on and on but, as you say, in depth analysis of issues like this are difficult to explore through the medium of blog comments.
Talk to you later my friend.
JD,
I think it actually might make a good series of blog posts in dialogue form, but I'm not sure that others would enjoy it as much as we would. Of course we could expand it beyond a dialogue...
I think the lack of in-depth commenting probably is reflective of the fact that's mostly what I manage to leave on other sites. I'll try to amend that and see what happens.
It might not be easy to get from Chicago to where you are, but once the snow start to melt, I'm game for making the trek :).
If this is navel gazing then I achieved professional status many long years ago. Introspection is important and necessary in my opinion. I do believe things happen for a reason, and for me, they're connected to lessons. Of course, I'm also aware that I'm in control of the choices I make, so those "things" that happen are not always accidental. Opportunities and choices are what life is about...
@Kelly I always feel a bit self-conscious about my introspection, but I guess that's essentially what a blog is for. I generally agree there are lessons to be learned from all of our interactions, or should be. I think it's more that I'm frustrated not to be learning from my lessons very well.
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