Continuing on with my next installment of comment-inspired titles (see the original post), I've written a poem based on the phrase "In the Garden of Iris" (slightly modified to suit my rhythmic purposes). It was suggested by Angel, the amazing poet and artist behind the site Here and Now 4 Angel. I'll post a companion drawing for it later.
In this iris garden
By Francis Scudellari
In this iris garden,
An uninvited guest
Not wanting, to intrude
I risk a sidelong glance
At the eager pupils,
Orderly arrayed round,
Budding blue-capped beauties'
Prayerful heads tilted
Upward to drink air thick
With instructions of love,
Selfless do's pouring forth
From a mistress aglow
Her tendered messages,
Felt but never spoken,
Chuteless slide lightly down
On rainbows' liquid backs
Till reverie re-moved
By nosy, nudging wind,
A thick-stemmed bloom turning,
Reflects my tactless gaze
And, self-aware I tip-
Toe a trail away, leave
Faint prints, one day retraced
For more eavesdropped lessons
9 comments:
In this iris garden,
An uninvited guest
Not wanting, to intrude
I risk a sidelong glance
Beautiful opening Francis. Such a well crafted poem...
extremely well done as always my friend.
~JD
I love this poem Francis. It genuinely expresses what a poem is to me- mysterious and enchanting...and allows active participation of the reader's perceptions.
I don't often read a poem such as this one. A truly amazing work of art.
Thanks for sharing.
What a breathtaking and beautiful poem. Just like the drawings you create!
Hallohoh!
well done I really liked this piece
@JD I'm humbled as always by your praise :).
@Jena It was a tough one for me to write since I was using a borrowed phrase for the motif, so I'm very glad you like it.
@Angel Thanks so much for the compliments and the inspiration.
@Fiamma Hallohoh back to you :).
@Robert Thanks, I appreciate the positive feedback.
Yet another poem to love. I'm going to introduce you to my virtual writing pals.
But tell me please, why is the comma after 'not wanting' instead of after 'to intrude'?
"And, self-aware I tip-
Toe a trail away, leave
Faint prints, one day retraced"
Beautiful lines. The line break between tip and toe introduces a very sweet playful rhythm. Well done, I really enjoyed this.
(But I do agree with the above commenter about the comma after "not wanting".)
@Jakill Please do introduce me to your virtual pals. I'm always looking to connect with other writers.
As far as the comma, I wanted to add a bit of ambiguity with it's placement. By putting it there I was hoping to put a bit of doubt in the reader's mind about what the narrator isn't wanting, and make "to intrude" a positive act ... the sidelong glance becoming a willful intrusion. If it doesn't work well, I'm open to removing, however :).
@Fiendish I'm glad you like that last stanza, as I had some trouble figuring out an ending for the piece and was very happy when those lines finally came to me. For the comma explanation, see my wordy response above. It does cause the reader to trip, so it might not be achieving what I wanted.
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