Today, I begin my second serialized short story. It's an extensive re-write of a piece I first attempted many years ago. The story and character at the core of it have sat dormant but never left me, waiting for the proper moment to re-emerge. I believe that moment has come. All feedback is appreciated and will be amply rewarded with my undying gratitude.
Prologue: A Circular Journey Repeated
by Francis Scudellari
Jonah Tannin's too heavy head jumps skyward as if tugged by a puppeteer's ungraceful twitch. The force of the commuter train's unexpected stop punches his jaw backward; it pulls his mind from the murky depths of a dreamless sleep.
Eyes of limpid blue, framed by new-pried, black-lashed lids, strain against the sudden flood of pallid, yellow light. Ears, rudely reconnected, receive the crashing waves sent out as the mechanical beast slowly regains its stride: screech, rattle, and rumble. Nostrils, at first flared to gulp the fueling air, now spit back the pungent smell of perspiration mixed with wet wool.
"What time is it?"
Jonah's left arm, too long wedged against the wall, refuses the command to lift up. The right hand, eager to revive its mate, quickly heeds the master's call and leaps the lapped divide to massage the deadened flesh. Blood gradually returns and brings with it the prick of tiny needles. Jonah clenches the waking fingers into a tight fist and then stretches them outward. He repeats this exercise -- grasp, release, and grasp again at nothing -- until the dull ache subsides and the stubborn arm rises to its proper position.
His mind starts to catch up with his senses. Words, an idea, and old feelings follow in lockstep with the sighted abstraction of two silver strips spread like open scissors against the plain white disk.
"Seven o'clock again, but that can't be."
Time's usually steady gait had limped to a halt and then reversed path back to the moment icy winds ushered Jonah onto this circular route. Jonah taps the glass crystal, but it offers no sign of life.
He peers out the frosted train window, but his vision can't pierce the confounding darkness that blankets the world outside. The uniform, black cover conceals from him the objects whose outlines reveal clues to his place in this ever-repeated journey.
"It doesn't matter."
A willing captive, Jonah nestles back into his accustomed spot in the belly of the speeding beast. Suspended inanimate within its vibrating walls, he lets the wash of artificial light and heat coax him back to unconsciousness. The troubling city sprawled out below him fades further into the early winter morning. His once sharp calling recedes to the indistinct mumble of words spoken far away in a forgotten tongue.
Overcome again by sleep, Jonah's shoulders slump down and his head nods forward. His controlling strings are severed anew.
7 comments:
WOW! Francis what kept you sooo long in reviving this piece. Really- I am speechless- but I will try to voice out some of my emotions while reading it.
Just like your drawings and poems, they are incredibly thought provoking and "profound" - I can't find a better word for it ( given my limited vocabulary-remember- English is my second language).
It was like I was reading a published novel by a well know author - really - You ought to write a novel.
You - guys are all enormously talented , now I am "afraid" to post my succeeding chapters. I am so glad you take time to read mine, in spite of how good you are in this craft.
BRAVO!!! WELL DONE!!!
(I can't express well, what I want to say)
I really like some of the imagery in this. I'd go with Jena's description of 'profound', too. Based on reading 'Birthright', I'm really interested to see where you go with this.
Just out of intellectual curiosity: is there a reason why it's present tense?
Am I the only reader who finds this really eerie? There's a kind of creepiness to the slow, rhythmic emptiness of the piece. I'll certainly be returning for Chapter Two. Nice work.
Truly excellent work Francis. I must say I am extremely impressed. You my friend are leaving the rest of us behind.
~JD
@Jena Thanks ... you do a pretty good job of expressing yourself, even if English is a second language. Don't stop posting your chapters now, I'm anxiously awaiting the next one. I like the word profound, but I think I'm a long way from being published.
@Catherine Thanks, and I'm interested to see where I go with it next too :). I'm making a lot of changes to the original, and that can be a dangerous thing. As for the present tense, I wanted his experiences to seem immediate but also outside time (I'm not sure that makes sense). He is a character stuck in an ever recurring drama.
@Fiendish I hope you're not alone in your reading, because it's intended to be all of those things. I'm glad you'll be back for the next bit :).
@JD I appreciate the kind words, but I think I'm actually following in your path. The vast majority of the reading public, however, are most certainly navigating with a very different map.
vivid images in my head from your writings.
@Cooper Be careful, down that way may lie madness :).
Post a Comment