who sits in his segregated heaven, rocking
away senility on that rickety chair
with a spare, tall back wrapped in striped wool blankets.
Who sits in his segregated heaven, rocking?
Our Father, keeping his heart warm against the gusts.
With a spare, tall back wrapped in striped wool blankets
perfectly square (but too small to share with others),
our Father's keeping his heart warm. Against the gusts
and idling time, again he stays busy carving figures
perfectly square but too small to share. With others,
these tokens will help the faithful remain fertile
and idling. Time again, he keeps busy carving figures
on the edges of a pesky map. Mad for expansion,
these tokens will help the faithful. "Remain fertile!"
Father cautions, as he watches a big screen TV.
On the edges of a pesky map mad for expansion,
many errant souls who wander are unable to hear
Father's cautions. As he watches a big screen TV,
the devil's slipping him a low-ball offer to buy
many errant souls. Who wander are unable to hear
news heaven's economy is still struggling, and
the devil's slipping him. A low-ball offer to buy,
our aging Father mulls over hot oatmeal and tea.
In this week's prompt at Big Tent Poetry Deb Scott asks us to channel our anger through the poetic form of a pantoum. Whatever anger there was dissipated in the process of writing this, and even its original subject matter was transformed into something completely different.
19 comments:
Great juggling act with the repeated lines.
I like your aging Father. Everything but a hot water bottle. Great use of detail. I couldn't manage that at all
Francis,
I'd say you have been successful with your mission!
Very different style.
Eileen
Bravo. Evocative and intriguing use of the form.
You created the scene and mood well. It must be hard.....
http://inthecornerofmyeye.blogspot.com/2010/06/without-consequenceperson-of-my-bad.html
Ok -- you've intrigued me here, as I don't know whether you're writing about your actual father, a metaphorical father or the Christian "Father." No matter -- the anger shows! And, I don't think I want an answer, as I can fit anything in there that I want (but you can answer if you feel the need =)
What I liked is that you, like Viv, used the pantoum so well that I didn't feel or recognize the repetition in the lines in the first reading. Each time I read a repeated line, I felt I was reading it for the first time...and I would love to get to that point with the pantoum. Unlike some, I love these repetitive forms, and I admire your ability to take it to task. PS -- the "segregated heaven" knocked me off my feet. Bravo.
Your complex style of writing this pantoum really amazed me. YOu must be quite familiar with this type of poetry...beautifully done!
Interesting, the striped wool blankets evoked an image of an American Indian elder in my mind...and then it went to segregated heaven.
This is beautiful, Francis. Quite an image of an aging god eating oatmeal, and drinking tea. Ha! I love it.
Finicky is the first word that offers insight. I rarely enjoy pantoums but yours is well done - terrific style and imagery.
Francis I love the imagery here!
A very well constructed pantoum!
Pamela
I love this, from the first "finicky Father" to the big screen watching one. Terrific images, wonderful way of changing the repeating line to offer new meanings.
So many lines and ideas to admire, such as "pesky map. Two words contain a multitude.
Well done on all counts.
As I read this I could feel the rhythm of the rocking chair, rocking back and forth with the phrases. Nicely done!
My favorite line is the shouted, "Remain fertile!"
poignant.
Ahhh, lovely in its poignancy.
Read my Anger Pantoum here.
If that is God wearing striped blankets doing deals with the devil
drinking tea and eating porridge you could be in trouble Francis.
Best wear some garlic cloves around your neck and place a crucifix on your head before sleeping:)
Really well done, Francis! It's true, the subtle changing of the lines keeps it very fresh.
You were so deft in your use of the pantoum form. Powerful portrait!
excellent take on the times of today... perfectly square to share... great talkative tokens too.. and that pesky map... the pantoum is a great form to explore one's anger...
@Stan It took me a little while to get the hang of the form, but I fell into a kind of rhythm after the first couple stanzas.
@Barb I'll have to add the hot water bottle in the sequel :).
@Eileen Thanks. It was different, but I enjoyed it.
@Linda_F Thanks!
@Mary It was definitely a challenge.
@Linda_G I'd say it's a mixture of metaphor and the Christian God (but not in any way my own biological father). You're still free to fit whatever you like in there though :). I'm a bit surprised things came together the way they did.
@Cynthia I had some familiarity with the form, but this was my first attempt at writing one.
@Brenda I don't think my Christian friends will appreciate the portrait very much :).
@Susan Thanks... I generally prefer free verse, but this was a fun experiment.
@Pamela Thanks. I'm not sure I'll attempt another... best to quit while I'm ahead :).
@Deb It was a great prompt. I'm really enjoying the Big Tent offerings.
@nan It's always nice when structure and theme can compliment each other.
@Julie Thanks!
@Rall I make a point of eating plenty of garlic, and I have a St. Francis medal around my neck. Will that do? :)
@Derrick Figuring out ways to alter the lines slightly with punctuation was the most interesting aspect of the form for me.
@Erin Thanks!
@omb There's a lot to be angry about these days too :).
I'll reiterate what others have said - very well done, the way you've played with the lines to keep them interesting, repeating and yet not. I really like "perfectly square but too small to share".
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