sky, anxious to touch
glimmers of a wink, peaking
out from rain-dropped curtains,
their slow thinning, allowing
pale fingers to rip
glad gaps through which we tumble
as we plunge from sliding glass
doors smudged with our fingerprint
smiles. Mere kids, we skip
slippery slopes, trail run-off's
trickle down to bubbling beds,
careless steps raising sweet scents,
the decay of leaves
and years falling away thick
from a canopy's stout arms,
criss-crossed rays sneaking through, hatch
us to muddy ponds
breathing out black, buzzing clouds,
then drinking in an unseen
pursuer disguised in plops
and ripples. Mere kids,
we muck bent knees to spread small
hands chasing backward crayfish,
who scurry red-brown under
slime-licked rocks, too poor
cover against nimble eyes,
as armored backs with pinched claws
we snatch and drop into jars
sealed shut with clear minds,
plastic moments stretched to last
an over-fancied lifetime
— Francis Scudellari
This poem was written in response to Read Write Prompt #91 at Read Write Poem. It was a bit of a challenge for me, and there's another draft poem from the exercise that I'll try to post soon.
21 comments:
You captured youth in small hands, muddied with carefree play. I enjoyed the rewind button on a life less seasoned. Very nice.
I continue to marvel at how you make these wonderful word connections. Well done.
great imagination, putting them into words is awesome..
Lol & Thnx
@jemfyr And it was mostly true :)
@jakill Thanks... my mind definitely follows a strange stream of consciousness.
@pravesh The words can be a challenge sometimes. This one taxed my editing skills.
Such fun here. The energy of play comes both in the memory and in the creativity of writing the poem itself. Enjoyed witnessing each aspect of it. THANK YOU!
An excellent examination of youth. Marvellously thought out and great words.
Hello Francis,
Wonderful to be just a step behind those 'mere kids'. The wonder, fascination and innocent joy of childhood.
Powerful imagination!
misty, dusty
from Therese B. at RWP -- I like how you put verbs in the present tense to keep the scene vivid. I like how you transform the original prompt (the photo "Light and Trees") into a poem about Nature peeking through Childhood.
I like the primordial scene in which this takes place, which goes along with youth, the repetition of "mere" with kids, with its irony, and the consonance you use which enhances the nice visuals.
I loved this. Very visual, very descriptive, and I love your alliteration and consonance in these lines. Excellent write. I enjoyed the read.
I really like you ruse of detail -- in light, in scent -- the descriptions are beautiful.
I like the use of "mere kids" as a refrain; it is in fruitful tension with the richness of experience described
I too love the way you use the repeated phrase "Mere kids" to highlight how the world is the oyster - or crawdad - of each generations young explorers. Very nice.
nicely done and very descriptive
A childhood trip to nature...
Mmm. I like finding the story in the rich descriptions. Excellent.
I like the richness in each image. It helps me understand words and things from a different perspective ...such as "the years falling away thick", meemories captured in a jar...
I like how your playfulness with sound matches the action of the poem.
@Julie Thank you... for reading and commenting. I'm glad the playfulness shone through.
@Anthony A lot of editing went on between the free write and the final version.
@Derrick It's always good to try to view the world again through those child's eyes :)
@Gautami More memory than imagination in this one :)
@Therese Since the exercise called for a "mythology of self" I placed it in the realm of ritual, making the past present. I actually cheated a bit as the positive memory was supposed to go along with the wintry photo, but the words I conjured for it didn't fit so well and got edited out for the most part.
@David I'm glad you picked up on the irony of "Mere kids". I think the forest will always stand as a metaphor for the primordial.
@Nicole I think I slip into alliteration and consonance now without even intending to do so :).
@Nathan Thanks so much... the scent part was harder for me. I'm much more of a visual person. Probably a trait of my TV age upbringing.
@EK Thanks... I decided to make it a refrain after mid-way through the editing and I liked the repetition of it.
@Paul It was nice to tap back into that sense of exploration.
@Wayne Thanks so much.
@Irene This grown-up child needs to take more of them :)
@Deb My stories seem to be driven by the descriptions.
@Annamari I had a little trouble tying things together in the ending. I settled on the jar image, as in a sense that's what the mind is... preserving those memories.
@Donna Thanks... I tried to keep a bouncing rhythm.
You do this so well, and show that placing one word against another can be a lot like music.
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