in this pierced black reel
sprocketed and spun
to catch our night's lazy
attention, and why not,
what with her curled lip,
her too-precious stare
and her meteor lines
whispered low in the wind
to pull our buzzed ears
a little bit closer
to the telephone,
but don't neglect the trees,
and their stiff-borne backs
abiding far off
our radar, knobby limbs
raised strong to always
offer us support.
Without them, this shell
of a shimmering game,
even when we're best conned,
would never quite hit.
— Francis Scudellari
This poem is written in response to Read Write Prompt #105: borrowed words at Read Write Poem. This week's prompt came in the form of a demanding 18-word list borrowed from another poem. I managed to fit them all in (click the prompt link to see what they were).
23 comments:
I got grabbed, sts, by:
...this pierced black reel
sprocketed and spun
to catch our lazy night's
attention...
Cosmic reality in the guise of a moving picture show is a very strong place to start.
This one contained beautifully surreal imagery.
cool idea for a prompt... and nice job with the constraints...
this reminds me of plunderverse... i've got a post about this on a blog i keep up for work that you might like:
http://expressivesubjects.blogspot.com/2009/12/plunderverse.html
Hi Francis,
I like the trees' 'stiff-borne backs' and their limbs 'raised strong to always/offer us support.'
A lovely image.
"and why not,
what with her curled lip,
her too-precious stare
and her meteor lines
whispered low in the wind
to pull our buzzed ears
a little bit closer
to the telephone"
So visual..
ode to percy bisque silley
Magical, and a great use of the words. The first three lines are my favourite, but the whole thing contains some wonderful imagery...."curled lip", "meteor lines"..."radar, knobby limbs". Awesome job. I enjoyed reading this.
-Nicole
Francis:
Nice opening meter. I kept wanting to change "lazy night's" to "night's lazy". I don't think it hurts the meaning and I think it improves the meter. Try it aloud and see if you agree.
Regards,
Gerry
that moon is such a FLIRT!
:-)
She does it to me at least a month, actually....
@Paul Thanks... it wrote itself pretty quickly after I got that first image.
@Anthony I'm glad it worked.
@Jon I'd read that one before, and I've been meaning to try an erasure, but I haven't gotten around to it yet.
@Derrick Thanks, the trees are definitely underrated :).
@Gautami I'm glad the words worked in their conjuring.
@Nicole Thanks so much. Sometimes I struggle to get a piece to flow, but this one came together very quickly.
@Gerry I agree it could use a change... what do you think of "night's untossed"? Lazy was a late addition to the line, and I think it wasn't particularly well chosen.
@Julie She captivates me quite frequently :).
I like the shell of a shimmering game.
Francis:
It's hard for me to grok attention being "untossed". Right meter IMHO, but the meaning seems a bit stretched, which must seem ridiculous coming from me.
I loved tiding along on this - the final four lines blew me away.
Great imagery, throughout, and especially at the start and finish. You have really gotten the drama in the sky into these lines, much like a movie.
Mystic like the moon with great imagery and ending with a wonderful tribute to trees!! Applause, applause. Thank you for sharing, Francis!
@briarcat Thanks. I'm a sucker for consonance.
@Gerry I'll see if I can think of something else, but if not swapping to "night's lazy" will work for me.
@TumbleWords Thanks so much.
@David It's good to know my intentions succeeded... that's not always the case :).
@Linda Thanks for visiting and I'm looking forward to checking out your version and everyone else's shortly.
Nice theatrical analogy in the beginning! It seems there are countless settings in which we can place the evening sky.
This is my first time to read your work. Looking forward to more.
don't neglect the trees,
and their stiff-borne backs
abiding far off
our radar, knobby limbs
raised strong to always
offer us support.
I enjoyed these lines specifically.
One would never know those words were "given" if you hadn't let on. The moon's been described many a time, but I'm betting this is fresh -- it feels it. And I'm a fan of your trees, too!
So glad you played along.
Funny, as I see an old black and white Jules Verne winking moon eye in the sky, and yes, a piano playing its haphazard string of notes in the background too. Go figure that. A strong well crafted response to the prompt.
great hit and use opf words..
I loved the imagery! The moon, the night, the trees; I was drawn fully into your evening with my eyes wide open.
from Therese L. Broderick -- I love the voice of the speaker in this poem! Straight-on, what-you-see-is-what-you-get. The use of "star" is great. And the "shell" game is clever. A "hit"!
@Jerry Thanks for the visit and the comment. The night sky is fertile territory.
@DJ Thanks, I'm glad they resonated with you.
@Deb Thanks for putting the prompt together. It was fun to play along, and I'm glad my borrowed words sounded fresh.
@Bearly I like those visuals... maybe I can put together a little video to accompany the poem :).
@Wayne Thanks!
@Shari I'm glad it grabbed you, thanks.
@Therese Thanks for the lovely comment.
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